You’re not alone - Guest Blog by Valini Sukhu
Navigating pregnancy for any woman is a challenge. What to eat, what not to eat, breastfeed or formula, bassinet or crib, take your prenatal vitamins, choose a name, make a birth plan, pack your bags, give birth - it’s the beginning of a life changing journey. Sadly, for many women this challenge becomes more difficult after experiencing a loss.
October is pregnancy loss and awareness month. Pregnancy loss is often defined as the death of an unborn fetus at any time during pregnancy. One in four women will experience a pregnancy loss within their lifetime and it completely alters what is an already overwhelming experience. It can also become difficult to escape the anxiety and grief that becomes a part of you after experiencing a loss.
In May 2018, I was surprised to find out I was expecting. My partner and I were excited but also very nervous. Was it the right time? Were we prepared? The moment we knew, we started talking about our next steps and dreaming about what having a baby would be like. A few weeks later, I suffered a miscarriage and everything I was dreaming about was instantly crushed. For me, it felt unfair that I was given this surprise only to have it taken away so suddenly. Grief followed, I sat on my couch for a week and cried, then I pulled myself half together and buried myself in work. I thought that being occupied with work would help me move forward and help me feel less of a failure but I didn’t expect myself to feel saddened upon hearing a pregnancy announcement or hearing my friends talk about their period cramps.
A few months later, we found out we were expecting again and although we were excited, we were also very scared. While the trauma of the miscarriage followed me throughout my entire pregnancy, it also helped me make key decisions. Instead of waiting 3 months to tell people “because what if something happens again”, we opted to tell our close friends, family and even our workplaces right away because if something did happen, we would need the support to get through it. When someone asked me if it was a planned pregnancy, I explained my story because the taboo can only be broken by talking about it, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
If you’re reading this and you have also suffered a pregnancy loss, I hope this is a reminder that you are not alone. Many women and men suffer in silence and they keep their grief close to them if or when they experience pregnancy again. It can be frightening, and the anxiety of pregnancy can be crippling. I often found myself feeling upset that other people who didn’t experience a loss get to have this experience carefree. When those feelings creep up, it’s important to lean on your support system to share that emotional weight with. Talk to your doctors, let them know early on how you feel, you’ll be surprised that they are very understanding and can provide you reassurance when you need it.
Pregnancy loss affects our friends, our family, our neighbour’s and coworkers. It is important that we allow a safe space for those affected to share their stories without judgement. It can be easy to overlook past experiences with the excitement of pregnancy but by being mindful of our words and understanding that everyone’s journey is different; we can begin to bring awareness to this topic of infant loss and encourage open dialogue with our family, friends, health care providers as well as community.
Thank you for reading!
Valini